Off We Go Into the Wild, Blue Yonder

This week I let my employer and all my colleagues know that I would be leaving my job to be a stay-at-home mom after the baby comes. It was kind of a big deal.

Those of you who know me know my love for my job has been waning the last couple of years, so you may think to yourself, “wasn’t that easy to do?” No. It wasn’t.

A few things to think about:

1.) I haven’t been the type of person who sits around (read: isn’t ‘working’) since I was, oh, fourteen.

2.) This is what I’ve done for about eight years. This has been my profession. I worked for Kentucky Textiles, for that little sporting goods store, for Kroger, and then this. This is all I’ve done since I’ve been in Louisville. Eight years may not seem like a long time, but it’s a little more than a quarter of my life. It’s longer than I’ve known most of my best friends. It’s longer than I’ve known my husband.

3.) While I may be bored most days in my job, I’m pretty good at it. I’ve got it figured out. I go, I stand there and record stuff, I ask questions, most of the time I’ve already got the story mostly written in my head before I even get back to the station. There are few risks and even fewer times when I’m out of my element in this job. It’s secure.

So there are just a few reasons why it was a little hard to pull the plug. You’ll notice: I didn’t say it was hard to make the decision. It was hard to pull the plug. It was actually pretty easy to make the decision to stay home with Will.

For one thing, I have a BFF who works at a daycare center who tells me every time I talk to her to never, never, never, never put my child in daycare. It took approximately one story about a sick infant being found face-down and crying on the floor for that to cement in my brain.

There’s also the expense of child care. Louisville’s a little more expensive than most places in Kentucky, but let’s be honest, we’re still in Kentucky, so it could be a lot more expensive. But, really, when you consider the $$$ for the childcare itself, the time I’d have to spend away from work when kiddo is sick or needs to go to the pediatrician (A LOT in the first year, even for well-baby checks), the stress of picking the kiddo up on time every day, the stress of breast-feeing (pumping) at work so he can eat his very best food, and the worry about how he’s being treated (raised?) at childcare… I just don’t get paid enough at public radio to even consider it.

And can I raise my son better than professional childcare workers? You bet.

Duncan was totally on board. What’s strange is that both of us have mothers who worked their bums off and were still the greatest moms of all time. Neither of us looked at each other and said we were scarred from childhood because our moms weren’t home with us 24 hours a day.

We are fully aware that our two moms did what they had to do, and still made us homemade dinners and last-minute play costumes at 11:30 at night and science projects we thought were due next week. We still had clean homes and went to ballet practice and took piano lessons and learned to ride a bicycle. They found a way to get us on that once-in-a-lifetime trip to Boy Scout camp in the southwest and that once-in-a-lifetime trip to Europe with the youth orchestra. We had great childhoods!

And Duncan would have been totally supportive if I’d said I wanted to keep working. But we both knew that for us (read: not everyone), me staying home was the best option for our family. I realize that some women need to keep working. For the money, for the sanity, for…whatever reason. And honestly, I can get a little judge-y in general (working on it), but not about this. I totally get it.

So the decision itself wasn’t hard. But actually making the words come out of my mouth, and picturing myself not coming to this cube every day, made it…pretty real. But I kept thinking about that precious baby’s face. And I kept thinking about how while it may be an easy and safe job, it’s not who I am.

And I realized something a little not-very-nice about myself: I’m way too scared to leave my comfort zone. Even when I know the thing I’m going to is awesome. Even when I know I have the full support of everyone I know. Even when thinking about the new thing makes me so happy I could explode. Even when everyone I talk to about it tells me it’s the best thing I’ll ever do. Even when I’ve prayed about it, and I know, know, KNOW it’s the right thing.

It’s different. And I think there’s some part of me that is scared, nervous, anxious about it. But sometimes you just have to take the plunge. Sometimes you have to trust – TRUST – in the Lord that he’s got you covered. He knows what’s coming and, in fact, designed what’s coming, and in the end, no matter what, He wins.

I still don’t really know what I’m doing when it comes to taking care of a little baby. I’ve read all about breastfeeding and come to the conclusion that until you have that little mouth in front of you, it just doesn’t make sense. I’ve read all about rashes and coughs and sniffles and baby reflux and what causes them and what you do to make your little baby try to feel more like it’s all going to be okay, but I think I’m learning that when you see that rash or that baby struggling to breathe through a stuffy nose, you’re going to want to cry too because you really can’t help him all that much.

I’ve read about how much sleep little babies should get and when, and lots of advice on when he should start eating something other than milk, but I think I’m going to have to meet this kid before we can pick a routine that works for us.

None of this means I’ll stop reading the baby books. They make me feel a little more prepared for this world I’m about to plop into. But I’m trying to be in the right frame of mind. Preparation is nice, but experience is what’s going to make this work.

I’m going to mess up sometimes, and sometimes advice from our mamas isn’t going to work on Will, and sometimes I won’t know what to do. But that’ll be okay.

For now, I’m learning (quickly!) to bask in the unknown. I have no idea when Will is going to join us. I have no idea how labor is going to go. I have no idea about ten-million other things I’ve listed above. I’m just figuring it out as I go. And that’s a little challenging for me, but I’m getting more and more excited about it. I look at it as my next big project.

Make that ‘huge’ project.